#Writers-Guild-DA
#AllTheUglyDeviants
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#SimplyGoodPoetry
#music-is-in-my-soul
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Deviousness `anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More
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Sta.sh
Total prizes reach 1000 
!!!! 
But of course there are always the rules......
Please please please fave the journal!
Make another journal about this giveaway and provide a link of that journal in the comments (this will help spread the word about this giveaway)
Rules
Should be about School Times!
, comment and watch!
oints:
As we lie on our backs broke but not fearful
As we lie on our backs, broken, not fearful - Is a slight variation of what you have, and says the same thing less a word. It, in my opinion, make's it stronger
we see through the life that we leave simple
we see through the life that we leave simple - I had a few ideas for this, but none carried the same message as you convey so I chose to leave it untouched. Powerful, indeed.
that through all the talk, thoughts, and actions deceitful
through all the talk and all of the thoughts, (our?) actions remain(ed?) deceitful - This one for some reason still doesn't sit well with me and maybe I could offer something more appropriate with more sleep and less head ache? Maybe I don't see need for change and that's why it's still bothering me. Perhaps, it's better left untouched, as well. ? Also, the brackets with suggestions/question marks I apologize if it's confusing, but it's meant to be a consideration of sorts. I should have looked at this without a monster head ache.
that there is no good only lighter shades of evil....
...there is no good, only lighter shades of evil. I took out the extra word, "that" again. It doesn't seem necessary to read so many times, to me it looked like it was taking up space, I also moved the ellipses from the end of the sentence to the beginning of the last sentence and re-enforced the end with a period. It reads to me, that coming up to that last line, your thought was almost questioned through the read and confirmed by the end; by re-arranging the ellipses and stopping the end of the thought with a period, I think adds to the finality of it all. It does leave room for continuing should you not be entirely finished with it yet, however that last line of yours is brilliant! Absolutely, no question for me. I've read and re-read it and I can't find anything more suiting and ...majestic to be in it's place. It is the perfect end to this thought? Or poem? or - I can no longer think adequately. I apologize for this half hearted attempt at a critique when, to be perfectly honest with you, I'm not even certain you want.
These are merely suggestions in accordance to how I read this. The rhyme is still intact and the meter is slightly more smooth. I should enjoy learning what your thought are on this, regardless if they're negative. (:
I hope writing is something you will pursue? It doesn't have to be studied unless you're really serious about it and even then, you have a natural concept of words and meanings and how to place them together and around one another to make them sound and look awesome and make the reader dive into a world you created, if even for only four line.
Dae
Your critique is truly helpful to me and thank you for the way you see my words it means everything....(: